03/03/2026
TDS News
Reported by Gabe Owners
WASHINGTON — Proving yet again that they suffer from a severe intelligence shortage in every conceivable way, Reps. Jasmine Crockett and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stormed out of a briefing room Tuesday to loudly complain that they received “absolutely zero intelligence” prior to U.S. strikes on Iran — or at any time in their careers, whether the classified military kind or the basic cognitive variety that most toddlers eventually develop.
“We were promised intelligence! Actual intelligence!” Crockett fumed, her permanently confused expression providing all the evidence anyone needed of the massive deficit. “How are we supposed to know what’s going on when our heads are running on empty like this — no briefings, no insights, no brain cells firing at all!”
Ocasio-Cortez nodded in rare agreement, blinking slowly like a computer still buffering its first thought. “This is unacceptable. The government has denied us intelligence at every level — classified, cognitive, you name it. I’ve been operating without any detectable brainpower for years now. My staff keeps telling me it’s a ‘feature, not a bug,’ but come on!”
Defense Department officials confirmed that full intelligence briefings were made available to all lawmakers. The two congresswomen simply didn’t show up, consistent with their well-established reputation for possessing none of the intelligence — strategic or personal — they claim to have been deprived of.
At press time, Crockett and AOC were reportedly wandering Washington desperately searching for any trace of intelligence, last seen checking under couch cushions in the congressional lounge and asking passersby if they had “any spare smarts.”