Dope Jams

WE DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, WHERE YOU DJ, HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE OR WHO WASHES YOUR BALLS OUTSIDE OF HERE - IF YOU ACT LIKE A RETARD, YOU WILL KINDLY BE TREATED AS ONE IN RETURN.

2. ONCE YOU BOUGHT IT, YOU GOT IT! SO, CHECK ALL PURCHASES FOR SKIPS, SURFACE NOISE OR WHATEVER OTHER POOR EXCUSE YOU MAY COME UP WITH FOR TAKING THE RECORD HOME, RECORDING IT INTO SERATO AND BRINGING IT BACK. WE ARE YOUNG ENOUGH TO NOT HAVE GONE TO THE 'G' BUT WERE NOT BORN YESTERDAY.

3. THIS IS NOT THE LOCAL PRECINCT, YOU ARE NOT BEING PROCCESSED - SO, KEEP YOUR FINGER PRINTS OFF THE RECORDS! DELICATELY HANDLE THE RECORDS BY THE SIDES OF THE VINYL.

4. PUT THE RECORDS BACK IN THE PLASTIC SLEEVES THE SAME WAY THEY WERE WHEN YOU REMOVED THEM. IF YOU DO NOT REMEMBER HOW IT WAS WHEN YOU TOOK IT OUT, LOOK AT ANOTHER RECORD, IT IS KIND OF LIKE MATCHING - SEE HOW THE SIDE HOLE WHERE THE RECORD COMES OUT IS ALWAYS TO THE RIGHT? DO THAT WHEN YOU PUT IT BACK IN THE SLEEVE. IF YOU CANNOT DO THIS, THEN DO NOT TAKE IT OUT OF THE SLEEVE TO BEGIN WITH.

5. DO NOT TRY TO PUT BACK THE RECORDS YOU DON'T WANT. WE APPRECIATE YOUR DESIRE TO RESTORE THINGS TO THEIR ORIGINAL ORDER BUT IT IS NOT NECCESARY. PLACE ALL UNWANTED RECORDS ON TOP OF ONE OF THE BINS AND WE WILL PUT THEM BACK IN THEIR PROPER PLACE.

6. ALTHOUGH IT MAY CONJURE UP THE MOOD OF ONE, THIS IS NOT A LIBRARY! IF YOU HAVE NO MONEY OR INTENTION OF PURCHASING ANYTHING, DO NOT TIE UP THE LISTENING STATIONS AND CRACK SEALED COPIES OF RECORDS! THIS IS NYC, THERE ARE PLENTY OF HOTSPOTS YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LAPTOP, GET FREE WIRELESS, GO TO JUNO.COM, AMASS A LIST OF DISPOSABLE TRACKS & DOWNLOAD THEM FROM LIMEWIRE. WE ARE NOT THAT PLACE!

7. THIS IS NOT VIETNAM, INDIA, OR THE CHELSEA FLEAMARKETS - WE DO NOT HAGGLE FOR PRICES! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TALK US DOWN OR BESTOW SOME SENSE OF GUILT UPON US BECAUSE YOU SAW THE SAME ITEM CHEAPER SOMEWHERE ELSE. IF YOU WANT IT AT THAT PRICE, GO THERE!

8. WE DO NOT TRANSFER VINYL TO CDS. WE DO NOT KNOW OF ANYWHERE THAT TRANSFERS VINYL TO CD. WE DO NOT TRANSFER OUR VINYL TO CD - WE DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO TRANSFER YOUR VINYL TO CD. WE DO NOT WANT TO WASTE ANYMORE TIME ON THIS SUBJECT.

9. SPEAK LESS, SAY MORE. DON'T TALK TO HEAR YOUR OWN VOICE. CONVERSATION IS ENCOURAGED YET THIS IS NOT AN ADULT MOVIE THEATRE, IF YOU WISH TO STROKE YOURSELF OFF, SUNSET PARK IS FULL OF THEM.

10. WE DO NOT SELL WEED! WE CAN HOWEVER RECOMMEND A LARGE SELECTION OF MUSIC THAT IS GREAT TO LISTEN TO WHEN ABOVE THE CLOUDS. THESE RULES ARE PROMINENTLY POSTED, THEREFORE THEY APPLY! FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED WILL RESULT IN THE DISMISSAL OF YOUR RIGHT TO BE TREATED HUMANELY, YOUR IMMEDIATE EJECTION FROM THE PREMISES & A GUARANTEE OF YOUR HUMILIATITON BY DETAILED DESCRIPTION IN OUR WEEKLY E-BULLETIN. SHOP SAFE, SMART & MOST IMPORTANT, SINCERELY! ALWAYS FORWARD.