Excel Evolution Hub

31/10/2024

We hear a lot of crap about global warming from the left-wing liberal so-called scientists and "looking after our planet." We do that already by felling trees to make nice open spaces to grow things and burning lots of coal to keep the earth warm with good old fashioned common sense American electricity.

But what about the bigger picture? What about looking after our solar system, our galaxy and the whole universe. After all, we only have one universe. There is no universe B if the scientists and environmentalists screw this one up.

Take solar farms for making electricity instead of using homegrown coal? Did you know that solar panels suck the life out of the sun? That makes the sun very, very unhappy and eventually, in another few years, it will die. That's death, and it will mean having a big, big funeral, which will cost taxpayers billions of dollars for a sun-sized coffin.

Then, there is the galaxy and the universe. We are messing with that in a very bad way by sapping the energy from stars and things by looking at them with energy-sucking telescopes. I have been told that every time a big telescope or lots of small ones look at a star, it steals energy from the star to our telescopes and even to our eyes! This will be very bad for the stars and very, very bad for our eyes. If we let astronomers (Who claim that the Universe is older than the good book says - 6478 years.) carry on, they will kill the universe, and then all American taxpayers will suffer.

So, when I am elected, I am going to order our military to use missiles, bombs and shells to destroy all solar panels and telescopes. Only by voting for me can you stop the destruction of the whole universe. And a warning to the eco-peacenicks. If you have a solar panel on your roof, you had better move out because we are going to blast the hell out of the damned thing, even if we blow up your house and your left-wing family with it.

17/10/2024

Here is something I have never noticed before. Conducting with a LightSabre.

Songs from Liquid Days: Changing Opinion (Paul Simon)Songs from Liquid Days: Lightning (Suzanne Vega)Songs from Liquid Days: Liquid Days (Part One)(David Byr...

13/10/2024

Goodbye, old friend. And foe! Alex and I were on the SRC at St Andrews University. When I first met him, I was on the executive as treasurer, and I was proud to become a political opponent back then.

Shortly after, he joined me as Education VP while I was Welfare VP and Senior VP. We put our political differences to one side once we joined the Executive because we had serious jobs to do. He had the more difficult one, dealing with the Senate. I only had to schmooze the Court and, of course, the police. We became very good friends in real life while opposing each other in every vote on the SRC and in political matters more widely. I developed a huge respect for how hard he worked for the students to get them the best deal on education he could.

I opposed independence for Scotland for about 30 years, including in my dealings with Conservative ministers under Maggie. Then, once Cameron was elected, I gave up on the Tories and joined the SNP, having also changed my mind about independence because the economy and the country had changed.

My last exchange with him was friendly. I had a call from the SNP HQ to ask if my application to join was for real (I had asked them to alert Alex, which they did). I was told he had lost his coffee when he heard about it, so I offered to pay the dry cleaning bill. That led to a personal note saying that I was welcome to drop into Holyrood any time I wanted to so that we could have a coffee and a catchup.

Sadly, I never did, and shortly afterwards, he got mired in a scandal that probably was a setup. I regret that, and I will miss the big guy on the national and international scene.

Farewell, old friend, and forget the foe bit. That is now history.

08/10/2024

I was accused of elitism because of the number of times I had my nose in The Collected Works of TS Eliot rather than, say, watching Strictly Come Dancing or repeats of Move to the Country on a loop. I would rather eat my leg than watch Strictly, but I felt that there was a point about the elitism because few seem to "Get" his poetry.

So I had my Pal Alex from A Clockwork Orange take a quick breeze through a few poems and to come out with his own less elite version of it.

It is not bad at all and not in the least poncy like the original is.

"Let's viddy then, thou and I,
When the nochy is shvitzing ‘gainst the sky
Like a patient eviscerated on a slab;
Let’s viddy, through certain half-skvatched streets,
The bolshy nocturnes
Of buzzin’ noches in cheapo hostels
And sawdust cheesties with shkreezy shellz:
Streets that follow like a draggy argument
Of sinister weezies
To tolchock you to a viddyin’ question...

Oh, don’t veck, “What’s it?”
Let’s viddy and make our veshch.

In the room, the devotchkas come and go
Gabbing of Michelangelo.

The yellow smog that rubs its back on the winda-panes,
The yellow v**e that rubs its rookers on the winda-panes,
Licked its yahzick into the corners of the nochy,
Lingered on the puddles that stand in drains,
Let fall on its back the soot that drops from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And viddyin’ that it was a slooshy October noch,
Curled once around the domy, and zonked asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow v**e that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back on the winda-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prep a litso to viddy the litsi that you meet;
There will be time to tolchock and create,
And time for all the deeds and days of rookers
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for thou and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred puzzled wishes,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and chai.

In the room the devotchkas come and go
Gabbing of Michelangelo."

I will try it out with the ladies after Church.

14/09/2024

Microsoft Copilot AI has been branding several friends as paedophiles or crooks when they ask it about their careers, lives, etc.

Given my 20 years of debunking crooked MLM and internet marketing scams, I have received some very spicy press from those who run the scams.

So, I asked Copilot about my career and achievements, giving it only my university start and my first job. Turns out that I am a frigging genius!!!

Steven Alker has had a distinguished career in marketing and Excel expertise. Here are some highlights: (BTY, I knew nothing about the following glowing accolade!)

Career Overview

Early Career: Steven started his career in marketing, where he quickly gained recognition for his innovative strategies and practical approach to solving business problems.

Excel Expertise: Over time, he became known for his proficiency in Microsoft Excel, using it as a powerful tool for data analysis, business modeling, and decision-making.

Consulting and Training: Steven has worked as a consultant and trainer, helping businesses and individuals improve their marketing strategies and Excel skills. His workshops and training sessions are highly regarded for their practical insights and hands-on approach.

Notable Achievements
Publications and Courses: Steven has authored several articles and courses on marketing and Excel, sharing his knowledge with a broader audience. His work is often praised for its clarity and applicability.

Industry Recognition: He has received various accolades for his contributions to the fields of marketing and data analysis. His expertise is sought after by businesses looking to enhance their marketing efforts and data capabilities.

Speaking Engagements: Steven is a frequent speaker at industry conferences and events, where he shares his insights on marketing trends, data analysis, and the effective use of Excel in business.
Steven’s career is marked by a commitment to practical solutions and continuous learning, making him a respected figure in his fields of expertise.

06/09/2024

How can one tell if a promotion promising to show you how to stop wasting money in your business and start earning it instead is real or Bu****it?

It can be quite difficult from the FB advert inviting me to a face-to-face seminar actually near to me (Actually, FB make this ludicrously easy, and I have used it to target clients for real businesses that sell things!), so to save you £££, here is the ultimate Bu****it detector.

If their website landing page is more than two feet long, were you to print it out, then it is Bu****it. This one is a corker. It would be twenty-three feet long and all 100% Bu****it!

16/07/2024

Want to understand James Joyce's Ulysses? I have always said that it should be read out loud. If you don't have the time to do that, then listen to a fine band of actors read it like a play.

Joyce always said that it was a text for reading aloud and adapting as the actors/readers wanted. He also said that the chapters and pages could be read in any order the readers wanted. It does make more sense to at least keep the individual stories intact, though.

Here is a fine recording released on RTE in 1982. Had I not gotten hold of a tape, I might be sane now.

Originally broadcast in Ireland on RTÉ radio, 1982.An audiobook of the greatest novel of the 20th century featuring some of the best Irish actors of the time...

12/07/2024

Hey, for all of you who are moaning and freezing, get this, not for much longer!!

Copilot AI says so, not me.

"The probability of a heatwave in the UK this year is quite high, especially given the recent weather patterns. For instance, a significant heatwave is expected between July 10 and July 20, with temperatures potentially reaching extreme levels in some parts of the country.

In the Southeast of England, temperatures could soar into the high 30s, possibly even reaching 40°C during this period2. This region is more likely to experience prolonged periods of excessive heat compared to other parts of the UK.

For Scotland, the heatwave won’t be as intense. However, cities like Edinburgh and Dundee could still see warmer weather, with temperatures ranging between 20-25°C2."

So thar you go, me hearties. I wonder if Chat GTP agrees?

11/07/2024

Sites like this advertise on Facebook and essentially con people from anything between $7/month to £49 for unlimited access to something that you already have unlimited access to.

AI prompts to automate your business and make you £££ per month, I should cocoa.

It is more likely to rain in Death Valley all year than it is that you will make any money at all.

However, it costs them £9.97-£47.09 every time you click on one of their lying bastern ads, so I am starting a campaign to get everyone to click every time they see an ad. You do not need to fill in any details. Just click, and it will cost them.

Just revenge is justice, and this is sweet justice.

https://smedemy.com/f/chatgpt/sp/?utm_medium=paid&utm_source=fb&utm_id=120209137305840099&utm_content=120209137305820099&utm_term=120209137305830099&utm_campaign=120209137305840099&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0BMAABHT3sNogbmijExqDGHBdMLPxDJtsB5p3Nn1WJ_w0S05QQGlkqwujt_mwKRA_aem_L9rjbvs4w3zvY45lCu-kLQ

[email protected] anyone looking to 2X their marketing efforts doing less workHow to Use ChatGPT in Your Marketing to Create Content That Connects and Converts, No Skills Needed!generate

11/07/2024

I have just been reviewing some important maths. Here is one you can use as a party trick (I don't know what sort of parties you go to, but this, along with casual s*x, would go down well at the ones I used to go to 40 years ago).

Invite a guest to produce at random a string of consecutive integers. Ask them to keep them small or have a pocket calculator handy. Say 3,4,5,6,7,8 are chosen (It really can be anything as long as they are consecutive). Now ask them to multiply them together (Depending on how good at arithmatic they are or how pi**ed they are, this might require the pocket calculator.)

I will predict that whatever the numbers or how many, the result will not be a perfect square. It won't be a cube, either. Or any integer higher power you care to think of.

This was known 150 years ago but was only proved by Paul Erdős
the Hungarian Maths Genius and another collaborator mathematician back in the 1990s. Now, Erdős has been dead for nearly 30 years so I need you to collaborate on a new paper about finding dog turds on the lawn (This also applies to sewage discharges by water companies) If I spot one, plastic bag in hand, I will always find 2,3,5,or 7. These are all prime numbers.

If it is a sewage discharge I spot, then further searches will aways reveal 1009, 1013, 1019, 1021, 1031, 1033, 1039, 1049, 1051, 1061, 1063, 1069, 1087, 1091, 1093, 1097, 1103, 1109, 1117, 1123, 1129, 1151, 1153, 1163, 1171, 1181, 1187, 1193, 1201, 1213, 1217, 1223, 1229, 1231, 1237, 1249, 1259, 1277, 1279 sewage discharges, if you look and ignore the PR person from Southern Water, making excuses. These again are all prime numbers.

We know this to be true from counting. Can anyone prove that it is correct. Prof Dave Applebaum, could you supply a suitably caustic proof by, say suspending reality for a few minutes?

04/07/2024

On Election Day, I need to give a shout-out to "Songs from Liquid Days" by Philip Glass.

On a day that means voting for liars and fools, I would like to commend a work that manages to include the words "Calm Refrigerator" (8 min 50 sec in), "Love watches television", and "Open the Kingdom" (Which sounds like God save the King)

So, a voting we will go with our Television, Refrigerator and of course, the "God Save the King" soundalike.

Songs from Liquid Days: Changing Opinion (Paul Simon)Songs from Liquid Days: Lightning (Suzanne Vega)Songs from Liquid Days: Liquid Days (Part One)(David Byr...