15/09/2026
_From a sister_
*Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh sir. I got married last year December. Recently, my husband casually told me I am not his physical "spec" (preferring b***y women) and that we only married due to Qadr. Shortly after, I saw messages on his phone proving he is in contact with an ex who matches that description. When confronted, he mocked the situation and lied about who she was.I feel betrayed, deceived, and have lost all trust. To protect my peace and avoid anger, I made Dua asking Allah to replace my love for him with respect, honour, and submission, while helping me love and trust myself. I still fulfill my legal rights as a wife to seek Jannah, but emotionally, I am completely disconnected and struggling to breathe. Is it wrong for me to make this Dua, and how should I navigate this loss of trust?*
_Walaikusalam Wa'rahmantullah Wa'barakatullh_
No, it is not wrong or sinful to ask Allah to replace intense romantic love with respect, honor, and submission while praying for your own self-worth and healing. Your feelings of betrayal, heartbreak, and anxiety—that heavy feeling where it is hard to breathe—are completely natural responses to emotional deception. You are navigating a profound breach of trust within your first year of marriage, and your Duas reflect a sincere effort to protect your heart, preserve your dignity, and maintain your obligations to Allah.
In Islam, making Dua is an act of worship (ibadah), and Allah is Al-Mujeeb (The Responsive). Your prayer to replace passionate love with respect and honor is a protective mechanism. You are striving to fulfill your legal marital rights to attain Jannatul Firdaus without letting resentment compromise your character. This shows immense spiritual maturity.
Asking Allah to help you love and trust yourself is entirely permissible and highly encouraged. In Islam, protecting your psychological well-being and self-worth is a duty. You are a creation of Allah, and your value is not defined by whether you fit a specific person's "spec."
While love (Mawaddah) and mercy (Rahmah) are core pillars of an Islamic marriage, love fluctuates. If a spouse's behavior makes romantic love unsafe for your mental health, pivoting your emotional focus to basic respect and duty while you heal is a valid coping strategy.
What you are experiencing—the difficulty breathing and the lingering feeling of being deceived—are classic physical symptoms of emotional trauma and anxiety.bYour husband's actions were deeply hurtful in two distinct ways:
*The Disrespect:* Making unsolicited comments about your body or comparing you to a specific "spec" undermines your confidence and violates the Islamic principle of treating one's wife with kindness and equity.
*The Deception and Gaslighting:* Discovering he is in contact with an ex, followed by him making light of your pain by joking about it with her (mocking you by calling her his "mom"), is a form of betrayal. It invalidates your feelings and breaks the sacred trust of marriage.It is entirely normal that you do not trust him right now. Trust is earned, and when it is broken, it cannot be forced back overnight through sheer willpower.
*Moving Forward Physically and Spiritually*
When you feel that tightness in your chest and find it hard to breathe, your nervous system is in a state of fight-or-flight. Pause, sit down, and practice slow, deep breathing (inhaling deeply through your nose, holding for a few seconds, and exhaling slowly through your mouth). Ground yourself by reciting Istighfar or La hawla wala quwwata illa billah (There is no power or might except with Allah).
Seek Support. You do not have to carry this heavy burden alone. Consider speaking to a trusted, wise elder, a mature religious scholar, or an Islamic marriage counselor. A professional can help you navigate whether this marriage can be repaired through boundaries and counseling, or how to protect your rights moving forward.
Keep Your Boundaries. You are fulfilling your duties for the sake of Allah, which is highly commendable. However, remember that fulfilling your duties does not mean you have to accept mistreatment, disrespect, or ongoing deception. You have a right to peace, emotional safety, and a spouse who honors you completely.
_May Allah reward your patience, ease the tightness in your chest, grant you deep inner peace, and elevate your status in Jannatul Firdaus._
*And Allah knows best*
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