28/02/2026
The Rebound Horse 💔
I’m realising now how much I was holding onto the past, how much my relationship with Misty was suffering due to no fault of her own - it was simply my own headspace. I bought Benji whilst Ellie was still with us, because I always knew that if I lost Ellie and didn’t have another horse already, I’d walk away completely.
What I didn’t expect was to then lose that horse - before I lost her 💔
Benji’s death was so sudden that I don’t think I ever really had time to process it. I went from having - what we believed to be - a perfectly healthy boy to making a heartbreaking choice in the space of days. A choice that haunts me now, but that I know was the right thing for him.
And after he died, I then had another mountain to climb, when Ellie was so badly let down by those I had trusted to care for her. That spring became a rescue mission; I’ll forever be so grateful to those who helped ensure that her final months were ones of kindness, comfort and freedom.
My world, as I’d known it for twenty three wonderful years, stopped on the 7th November 2023.
After her death, I quickly sought refuge in dear Simon, relished every moment of caring for him. Then I lost him, too.
We bought Misty in the May of the following year. It was love at first sight, I thought, and I was in no doubt that I wanted her. Needed her.
But we didn’t click. She was anxious; I was anxious; the two of us together became a recipe for disaster. I tried leaving her a few weeks to settle, then tried again. More fighting, more near misses on the road. Everything about our partnership was tense, and although I longed for the freedom of a nice, relaxing plod round the lanes (the sort Ellie very rarely gave me - let’s not lose sight of that!), I found myself sobbing on the drive home because I was dreading the next time.
Was I comparing her to Ellie? Probably not; she’s an easier ride in many ways than Ellie was. I actually think I was unconsciously comparing her more to Benji. He was so stoic, so solid, so unflappable. The only thing I ever had to worry about with Benji was whether the darned saddle would stay upright. Dear Benji.
We mustn’t compare horses, I know that. It was the reason I bought Benji in the first place - I wanted the transition to be a living, conscious one, not a rebound decision, borne out of grief and loss. Now I realise that’s exactly what Misty ended up being - my rebound horse. She has proven to me that “time” to heal is more than months, or minutes. It’s your mental headspace. And there’s no measure on how long that can take to heal.
My struggles with Misty, I now realise, were compounded by the loss of our dear Poppy to colic in March, a whole year ago now. The joy of riding died in me that day; ridiculous, you might say, considering she was never my ride. But as I held her head in my arms, sobbing my heart out whilst I tried to figure out how I was going to tell the children, I kept saying, over and over, I can’t do this again. I can’t do it.
Riding has always been a place of solace for me, but the thought of a sideways fight along busy roads was never going to make me feel better. So I didn’t bother. Misty stayed, alone and pining in her field for two months. And then I found myself questioning whether I’d made yet another bad rebound decision, when in spite of feeling as though it was time to pack everything in, a little pony named Ted entered our world and started to put if not mine, then at least the children’s worlds back together.
Maybe we do just get to a point where we feel we have to stand tall, and be strong. I was absolutely terrified when I agreed a couple of weeks ago to go out riding with the lovely ladies at the yard, but I couldn’t understand why I felt so cripplingly nervous. She’s just a horse, a fairly safe horse by my previous standards, and I’ve ridden all my life. What’s the big deal?
The big deal was what I’d made it in my head. Nothing more. And since that day, we’ve been out a few times, and both of us have loved every minute. We’re both hideously unfit and out of practice - but I guess we make a good pair. And it’s not just about the riding, either. We have a connection on the ground now that just hadn’t really felt complete until now. It’s only taken two years…!
So there we have it - my rebound horse. Not a bad decision; not a regret. Just one for whom it’s take a little bit more time than expected to feel like I can let her in.
Today, she wore Benji’s saddle cloth.
It’s not about forgetting. We just have to learn how to move forward.
